


Mirror on the Wall

by ReeLeeV



Series: Rare Pairings Bingo 2017 [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Conflict, Internal Conflict, M/M, Monsta X Bingo, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Questioning, Sexuality Crisis, brotp!jookyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2018-12-27 19:26:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12087756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReeLeeV/pseuds/ReeLeeV
Summary: Things just aren't going well for Jooheon. He's just come to terms with his own sexuality, and now he's bombarded with the presence of the man he loves every day due to a forced subunit performance. Will he be able to make it through unscathed, or will the mirror finally crack?





	1. Chapter 1

Jooheon glances over at Kihyun’s reflection, watching as the lead vocalist repeats the same moves of their choreography over and over. They’d been at it for hours, just practicing the same portion of their subunit performance for the world tour, but the vocalist just hasn’t been able to get it yet. It’s not even that it’s particularly _hard_ choreography. They’re more of just trying out all these different moves to the song to try and find something that’ll work with the beat. A task that’s proven difficult for the both of them without their two dancing hyungs there to help.

But, they had insisted on doing it themselves.

“Hyung,” Jooheon finally says, standing with a tired sigh, “you’re burned out. Let’s work more on it tomorrow, after we’ve gotten some rest.” Kihyun releases a frustrated breath, finally turning away from the mirror with a nod of defeat.

“Have you gotten any further on your verses, yet?” the older asks. He walks over to the bench where Jooheon sits, electing to give his body a moment of respite before they begin on their trek to the dorm. He shoves his hair out of his face, and bends over to pick his water bottle up off the floor to take a drink. Jooheon watches as the vocalist moves, his gaze unwavering as he studies the way his thin t-shirt sticks to his sweaty back, the way the cloth curves and wrinkles along the slope of Kihyun’s spine.

“Um,” he mumbles, having to shake himself out of his own trance, “not yet, hyung.” He clasps his own hands together tightly in an attempt to keep them to himself. His heart beats a smidgen faster, as it always does when he stares at Kihyun for too long, and he has to tear his gaze off the older to get it to resume its normal pace.

“You okay?”

Jooheon jumps slightly at the question. He outright avoids Kihyun’s gaze, instead standing and beginning to gather his things. He can feel Kihyun’s eyes still on him, a feeling he’s gotten used to over the years, and he wants nothing more than for the older to close the growing distance between them, and kiss him like he’s never been kissed before… Which, if he’s to be completely honest, he’s always thought is how it’d feel to be kissed by Kihyun anytime, anywhere.

“Jooheonney?” Kihyun asks again, the concern in his voice making Jooheon feel incredibly guilty for ignoring him. It’s something that’s been happening a lot lately, but it can’t be helped. It isn’t as if they could actually _talk_ about what’s bothering him… not really. Then it’d make it too real. It’d legitimize it somehow, and, at least this way, they can still avoid their shared problem.

“I’m fine, hyung,” Jooheon finally answers, his voice deepened by the lie. God, he’d honestly just let it all out if he could finally just stop lying to the older.

What he wouldn’t give to just stop lying to everyone right now…

 

“Hyung,” Changkyun mumbles, pulling at Jooheon’s arm with a pout. Jooheon glances up from his phone screen, and chuckles at the cute sight of his dongsaeng.

“What, Kyunnie?”

“You seem down,” Changkyun explains bluntly. Jooheon visibly ripples at this. He presses his lips together at the maknae’s words, and finds it difficult to meet his eyes. “Is it… about…?” The maknae seems unable to find the right words to describe what he’s referring to, but Jooheon knows exactly what it is. After all, Changkyun’s the only one who knows about Jooheon’s… difference.

“… Yeah,” he answers, unable to meet Changkyun’s gaze all of a sudden. He knows the younger doesn’t judge him for this, but he’s only just gotten to the point where he’s accepted this about himself, much less able to face anyone he cares about who knows about it.

 

He hadn’t even meant to tell Changkyun that night three months before. He and the maknae had been partying at Changkyun’s studio. AKA: They had been getting as drunk as humanly possible and just seeing what kinds of songs they could come up with in such a state. It had been a particularly stressful day for Jooheon, which was why he had agreed to it in the first place, but writing different songs about love and lust and passion had just done something to him.

Next thing either of them knew, he was coming out as homosexual to the maknae. Or maybe bi, he still isn’t really too sure. Either way, he admitted much more than he had ever mean to admit in his entire life… including his ever-growing love for a particular vocalist who he’s been paired by the company with to do a moving duet.

Changkyun had sobered up inhumanly fast, and comforted his tearful hyung that everything would be okay. He was immediately accepting of Jooheon’s sexuality, and had even assured him that if the others knew, they wouldn’t treat him any differently. The notion of the others finding out had terrified Jooheon more than anything else had in his entire life, and he had made Changkyun swear to never breathe a word about it. The younger had agreed, albeit hesitantly.

 

“Hyung?” Changkyun asks, jarring Jooheon from his painful memories. The older rapper glances over at his dongsaeng, nearly tearing up at his understanding gaze. Changkyun places a gentle hand on the older’s, and just squeezes it reassuringly. He licks his lips and presses them together nervously, clearly wondering if he should say what’s on his mind.

“Hyung, have you said anything to Kihyun-hyung about how you feel?”

Jooheon immediately shakes his head back and forth, his eyes shining in fear.

“No, and I’m not going to,” he answers, making sure to keep their voice low. They’re in the bedroom they share with Minhyuk and Kihyun, but the other two are busy in the living room right now fighting over who gets to cook dinner. Hyungwon had asked if he could help, and one said no while the other had agreed to it, and the living room has been a battle ring ever since.

“I think you should,” Changkyun insists. “Even though you may not, I see the way he looks at you, how happy he is whenever you two hang out… I think he’d be open to it if only—”

“No, Kkungie,” Jooheon interrupts, visibly curling in on himself. “Even if I _do_ know what you’re talking about, I’m not saying anything to him about it.”

“But—”

“ _No_.” He shakes his head, getting up from his bed to leave the room. “I’m going to shower,” he announces, and doesn’t even wait for a response.

 

 _Hyung liking me_ , Jooheon silently muses as he allows the hot water to run over his bare back. _Honestly, that kid just doesn’t know what he’s talking about sometimes._ Though, he has to admit, his heart does beat a bit faster at the notion. He shakes his head at himself, sighing heavily as his mind begins to drift off into the wonderful possibilities the maknae’s earlier words had brought up.

 

As the rapper leaves the bathroom and pads his way on bare feet to the kitchen, he bumps into Kihyun. He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was going, too lost in his own conflicting thoughts to be able to, and instantly regrets the collision, as it causes him to drop the only coverage he has available to him, a damp towel.

Kihyun’s eyes immediately dart down to Jooheon’s exposed area. His ears blaze red, and he immediately scurries off. He mutters as he passes the younger something about leftovers being in the fridge, and hides himself in the bathroom a second later. Jooheon picks up the towel with a flustered huff, biting hard on his bottom lip as he tries to keep his cool.

Or, rather, as he tries to convince himself that Kihyun’s reaction to seeing him wasn’t overly-shocked or anything. It’s just the maknae’s words making him over-analyze all the Kihyun does.

Yeah, that’s it. It’s gotta be.

 

Kihyun sighs heavily as he attempts to regain control of his heart. It isn’t as if that was the first time he’d ever seen the younger naked, but this is the first time he’s seen Jooheon’s full-body view and has been so… so…

He groans plaintively, wondering just what the hell is wrong with him. Just being around Jooheon so much lately has gotten him all twisted up in knots, and now this. He rubs at his face, trying to clear his thoughts. He’s just tired, and not in his right mind. That’s it.

That has to be it.


	2. Chapter 2

“Kihyun-ssi!” Minhyuk calls, flicking the slightly-younger’s temple to get his attention. Kihyun jolts back in surprise, turning to glare at his same-age friend. Minhyuk purses his lips at the reaction, as if  _he’s_  somehow in the wrong, but he doesn’t point it out. He doesn’t want to get into another bout with Kihyun so soon, after all, and, judging by the man’s mood, they’d most definitely have another fight if he so much as breathed wrong.

“How’ve you and Jooheon-ah been doing on your stage?” Hongsik asks, seeing now he’s gotten Kihyun’s attention. He and the seven idols under his charge are currently sitting around a long table, which takes up the majority of the conference room they’re currently in. This was meant to be an update meeting for the boys to tell their managers how preparations have been going for the upcoming concert.

However, it seems all of them are either so exhausted they were unable to concentrate, or just mysteriously distracted in general. It was odd, really. Kihyun would always be one of the most focused out of all the boys, but today that seems to not be the case.

That hasn’t seemed to be the case for a long time.

“We’re playing around with some choreo ideas right now,” Jooheon intercepts, drawing the manager’s attention off his dazed-looking hyung. “I’m still working on lyrics, so we’re a bit behind where we should be… I’ll try to have them done before our next meeting.”

“Do try,” Hongsik sighs, obviously disappointed by the status report. It’s nothing more than they had to report last week, and, with the concert inching closer and closer, he can’t help but begin to worry. But, they still have some time, so he isn’t too worried… yet.

He adjourns the meeting shortly after, shuffling his papers and leaving the room quickly. With so much left to plan for the event, he's been rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off for the past month. The boys are used to it, though, and don't bother following for another couple seconds.

"Let's get back to practice, guys," Hyunwoo suggests, standing from his chair with a soft groan and stretching a bit. Minhyuk and Changkyun quickly follow, frowning slightly at the sudden end to their short reprieve. At first, they'd been beyond excited about being grouped with their leader for a subunit, but now they're beginning to wonder why that had been, exactly, as he's been working them like dogs to perfect their stage.

Hoseok and Hyungwon follow their example, already beginning to discuss just what they still have to do. Kihyun listens with a vacant light to his eyes, noting how much process they've made. Guilt drags down the vocalist's eyes, and he leans forward to hide his face in his hands in shame. God, they're so behind... There's no way they'll be ready by the concert, at this rate.

"Hyung?" Jooheon asks, frowning at Kihyun's action. He moves to sit in a chair closer to the older, as he'd been at the other end of the table throughout the meeting. The rapper sets a gentle hand on Kihyun's shoulder, a touch that makes Kihyun jump in surprise and back away before he can even think to do otherwise. The reaction brings hurt to Jooheon's eyes, but he does his best not to show it.

"I'm fine," Kihyun tells him, standing to leave the room. "I'm gonna go practice my part of the song. Try to have your rap done by next week, okay?" His voice is hard, grating against Jooheon's ears. The younger nods once, his heart beating irregularly at the way Kihyun is treating him.

… Could he know, somehow?

Kihyun leaves without another word, retreating from Jooheon's pained eyes as quickly as possible.

Kihyun sits in the practice room they'd been assigned back when they were given their subunits, listening to the lyrics of this song that had seemed like such a good idea at the time. He doesn't know what's changed. Before, he'd absolutely loved this demon/angel concept, two halves of a whole coming together to speak as if they were the other's reflection, as they were going through the same pains.

Now, when he thinks of the song, a certain sort of knowing strikes at his heart. He can't even bring himself to sing the chorus, the lyrics hitting too close to home.

" _You told me that they can understand the man that I am, so why are we here, talking to each other again?"_

He gulps down around a ball of guilt in his throat, remembering the last time he'd spoken to Minhyuk about all this. 

It was only the previous week, only shortly after the incident with Jooheon's towel. He'd been staring blankly at the television when Minhyuk and his subunit had returned to the dorm, he and the maknae arguing loudly about who got to hit the shower first. 

"Kihyun-ah?" Minhyuk asked, sounding surprised to see the slightly-younger there. "What're you doing home? We thought we'd manage to be the first ones back, for once."

"Jooheon-ah and I are a bit behind," was all Kihyun could manage in reply, pulling his knees up to his chest. He could almost  _hear_  the look passing between his three friends, and immediately Minhyuk had ushered the other two out of the room. He'd sat down by his same-age friend, a look of concern plastered to his features.

"Did something happen?" Minhyuk had asked. "Did you and Heonney get into a fight? Because, you know, you wouldn't be the only ones. Kkungie and I have been fighting a  _lot_  more than usual lately, and Hoseok-ah and Wonnie have been at each other's throats all day. It happens when you're working this hard like this for so long, and I'm sure that—"

"We didn't fight, Minhyuk-ah," Kihyun sighed, his brow creasing together as he knew how ridiculous this was aboutt o sound. "I... I saw Heonney naked the other day." All of Minhyuk's concern had fallen away to confusion in an instant, shifting in his seat slightly.

"So?" he asked. "We've all seen each other naked a thousand times in the past couple months, at least. I know I've seen  _you_ naked more times than I can ever hope of counting." He chuckled at his own joke, but paused at seeing that hadn't helped Kihyun's mood at all. "What? Did you like what you saw, or something?"

Kihyun had visibly stiffened at this, gulping loudly as a light blush rose to his cheeks. Minhyuk gasped sharply at this, unable to keep himself from squealing excitedly.

"You did, didn't you?!" he repeated. "Oh, this is so great! It's about time you and Heonney got together! Have you talked to him about it yet? Have you two kissed?"

"Minhyuk-ah!" Kihyun shouted, physically recoiling away from the man's touch. "Jooheon-ah and I aren't getting together. First off, I'm not gay, so—"

"You're not?" Minhyuk said, sounding more confused than ever. "I could've sworn you were... I mean, you're very motherly, and you've flirted and cuddled with us all on multiple occasions. And God, if I had a dime for every time you've checked out Hyunwoo-hyung on-camera, I'd be rich."

"N-No I haven't," Kihyun grumbled, seeming absolutely shocked at the accusation. "I'm fine with you guys being gay and all, but I'm not like that. I've only ever been into girls, and I'm still  _really_ into girls, so..." He drifted off, his own defense sounding lame even to his own ears.

"There is such a thing as bisexuality, Kihyunnie," Minhyuk pointed out, sounding a bit disappointed. He paused then, seeing how uncomfortable Kihyun had become with the conversation. "But, okay, if you say you're straight, then I guess you're straight." He'd stood then, adding over his shoulder, "You know we love and accept you no matter what, right? Who you're attracted to doesn't change who you are."

Kihyun had hummed at that, earning only a sigh from Minhyuk before he left the room.

The same line of the song brings Kihyun back to the present, and he can't help but stare at his own reflection with a hooded gaze. He remembers how hurt Jooheon had looked earlier when he'd pulled away, guilt gnawing at him. 

He doesn't know what exactly is going on with him, but he can't allow himself to do that to Jooheon again. He can't hurt his dongsaeng again, could never forgive himself if he did. He has to apologize when they get home. He's filled with dread at conversing with Jooheon one-on-one again, a reaction that's become common ever since the towel incident, but it's something he has to do.

He needs to make things right with his Jooheonney.

**Author's Note:**

> My first submission for the Rare Pairings Bingo Challenge~ Done for the War/Conflict Square.


End file.
